QUESTIONNAIRE FOR THE NEW STATESMAN (2020)

I was invited to do this in August 2020 when I was promoting Ramble Book. I don’t know if they actually used it or not. Most of my answers would still be the same. I’m definitely fine with David Byrne again. The blood rushing in my ears was probably high blood pressure - probably the result of excessive Cakestressdoobiebooze during the lockdown.

1.         What’s your earliest memory?

Being on a big boat with Mum and Dad. They left me in the creche, and I screamed the place down. I didn't think they were coming back. I imagine Mum worrying and Dad saying, "he'll be fine; come on, let's get a drink". It's probably what I would have said.

2.         Who was your childhood hero? And who is your adult hero?

I liked Steve Austin, The Bionic Man, because I wanted to be a robot, yet still be me. My adult hero? Hmmm. Anyone who works in the NHS? Is that the right answer?

3.         What was the last book that changed your thinking?

I recently read Remain In Love by Chris Franz, the drummer of Talking Heads, and he shat all over my fondness and admiration for David Byrne. I'll get over it, though. The music's too good, and I haven't heard Byrne's side of the story yet. 

4.         What political figure, past or present, do you look up to?

They were a couple, but the political legacy of Harriet Taylor and John Stuart Mill seems pretty positive to me.

5.         What would be your Mastermind special subject? i.e. what’s your niche area of expertise?

I was on Celebrity Mastermind and my special subject was David Bowie in the 70s. I did OK but didn't know the first single to be released from the Ziggy Stardust album. It was Starman - I said Hang On To Yourself. Oh Buckles, you terrible Zignoramus!

6.         Which time and place, other than your own, would you like to live in?

Europe between the wars seems very romantic in Patrick Leigh Fermor's book - A Time Of Gifts, but I wish I could visit New York in the late 70s and watch some of those new wave bands starting out at CBGBs. Not sure I'd want to live there though. It seemed quite smelly.

7.         What TV show could you not live without?

I think I could probably survive without Stath Lets Flats, but I'd be less happy.

8.         Who would paint your portrait?

Helen Green. She did the artwork for my book, and she has a gift for capturing the essence of a person's face in a very flattering way, which is what I'm after.

9.         What’s your theme tune?

Well, my podcast theme tune is a bit of library music that I sang over. I worried that the line "My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a maaaaaan!" would be interpreted as a triumphalist rebuke to women and the non-binary community, but I'm glad to say people seem to have taken it in the spirit it was intended, i.e. as a bit of useful info.

10.       What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received? Have you followed it?

My Dad was a collector of aphorisms and words of wisdom, and when I was worried about what people at school thought of me, he would say, "The people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind". Though it's true, it tends not to be especially helpful. It's like advising someone nervous that they should 'just relax and enjoy yourself' - "Oh! I hadn't considered enjoying myself! Thanks!"

11.       What’s currently bugging you?

Why can I hear the blood rushing in my left ear? Does it just need syringing, or is it something more serious? It's been going on for a month. I suppose I should get it looked at, but I'm so used to being at home now I don't really want to leave…

12.       What single thing would make your life better?

An environmentally friendly Star Trek-style matter transporter that screened for (and cured?) infectious diseases and ear problems. Come on, science guys! How hard can that be?

13.       When were you happiest?

The other day when I was painting a picture for a friend and listening to an audiobook. It wasn't a great picture, and the book was so-so, but I was suddenly aware that I was totally contented.

14.       In another life, what job would you have?

Talented musician.

15.       Are we all doomed?

Don't know, but I don't see what's to be gained from saying that we are and giving up.